My mind is working against me.

So this little online diary continues another day, my experience with #2 a few days ago continues to nag at me. I know this is normal with any bad experience to constantly go over the events, maybe even imagine them playing out differently and to do this all day long. I know that only time will bring my mind back to normal.

This blog will still be about my progress towards becoming a better person, it always will be. I apologize to anyone who may read this in the future (I know no one is reading it now  ) and is annoyed by my ramblings about my dysfunctional life.

I’ve been fantasizing about #2, but I also have a crushing feeling of rejection that follows after the end of every fantasy. She’s made it clear that she is not interested in me romantically. This is 100% okay, but the rejection still hurts on several different levels.

I would honestly love to hear a list of the qualities about me that make me unfit in any way that’s deeper than a platonic acquaintance. Personally I know that I’m currently not relationship material and I know my own list of disqualifications, I would be curious though to see what hers of me are.

The rejection even creeps into our customer / sex worker relationship. This whole situation is quite depressing.

Despite all that when I’m around her and things are going good life feels great, I feel silly saying that but it’s true.

Something inside me says the mature thing to do is to accept that this person isn’t attracted to you (which I’ve done, it’s the only option), but still be around that person if you enjoy their company. But if the rejection seems to never stop hurting is anything positive I get from being around them still worth it?

I feel like some of this is caused by me trying to have my cake and eat it too, trying to skirt around the rejection in anyway I can by still maintaining a customer / sex worker relationship. But when rejection creeps into that side also it hurts even worse. Maybe I’m fooling myself into thinking I’ve done the mature thing, when the real mature decision would be to cut off the customer aspect of our relationship and see if I can have something closer to actual friendship with this person. Or to abandon the idea or anything deeper than an acquaintance and only be a customer. Maybe that’s the decision I need to make. Maybe a stronger person would be able to easily do both.

I feel like there is an easy way to have everything I want out of this station but I’m incapable of doing it. Maybe I’m just selfish.

All I know is I feel so pathetic thinking about this.

I wish I could turn off my attraction for the opposite sex for a few years, I’d rather take that cowardly approach than feel this unrequited nonsense over her (or anyone for that matter).

I don’t mean to make her sound unkind, I think if anything I’ve made myself look terrible here. I’m not bitter, I’m not upset, I’m just struggling to make the right choices with my pathetic little life and dealing with the fallout.

I guess this post is actually about rejection … rambling like this may be healthy but I should also do some research into the psychology of what I’m feeling and going through.

If you read through this bless your heart.

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