Alrighty so I was thinking of a way to write down this experience I just had without revealing too much detail but this blog would be useless without details.
As an incel you rely on sex workers for intimate female contact, it’s the best substitute available, it was the only substitute available for me.
You develop favorites you develop regulars I had 3.
before I continue let me say that I’m absolutely terrible in social situations, and probably on the autism spectrum.
I lost my virginity to #1, I was over thirty years old when it happened It was pathetic, which is sad because at that age I had the means to make it an awesome experience, especially if I was going to do it via sex workers. I always had a fantasy of being a acquaintance with the first person I had sex with, a weird one to have in retrospect. I figured I was so old when it would happen it could not be difficult to keep in touch. I reached out to her on Facebook months later and got no response, thankfully by now I knew how creepy persistence would be so I let the idea of keeping in touch go.
Minor embarrassment, lesson learned.
I wasn’t close with #3 at all but she was had an amazing body and my infatuation with it blinded me to the clashes of our personality. Huge tells went unnoticed, looking back on it it’s hard to believe that I would not notice someone clearly being disgusted with me touching them. One thing I didn’t want with any sex worker was to feel that they didn’t want to be interacting with me, I knew they were there to make money but they also have a choice on who they want to make money with. my last four encounters with this girl were two lap dances, a VIP room, and a hotel visit.
The lap dances ended when it became clear she did not wanted to be touched, I rationalized this by deciding I was being too eager, objectifying her and using my hands too much.
The VIP room ended the same way we fooled around but did not have sex, she left abruptly and said she didn’t want to get caught doing anything in the club, she suggested we get a hotel.
The encounter at the hotel was a fucking disaster. I’m not completely oblivious, I knew the previous encounters ended strangely so when she walked in and immediately began to undress I stopped her because I wanted an opportunity to make her more comfortable. I told her to keep her clothes on, I paid her more than the what she wanted to be there, and I invited her to sit down and chat. a few one word answers later she stood up and told me “you know what I’m about to give you your money back and leave”. At this point I’m so fucking confused and embarrassed I had no idea what to do. I began asking her what’s wrong, to tell her to chill out, and most embarrassingly saying “we can start, we can start if you want to”. she reached out to place the money on the bed and when I reached for her hand she yell at me not to touch her, told me several times to never contact her again and left.
Major embarrassment, lesson learned.
Edit: I cannot be held accountable for what I write when depressed
As far as #2 goes… in summary we were legit closer than a regular customer relationship but that didn’t stop her from what I feel was humiliating me in a vip room. There was also rejection, and deceit alot happened in that room none of it good.
Maximum embarrassment, lesson learned.
I feel so stupid, foolish, weak, angry, pathetic, and depressed. This really drove home that I have no fucking redeeming qualities about me and I need to make a change as soon as possible.
I’m really fucking tired of learning a lesson.
Time cannot scrub the edges off this memory fast enough. there are details in all of these that I’m leaving out to keep it … less long. I’ll fill in those details individually in different blog posts
What this fuck is this life I’m living, this last experience has really darkened my outlook on my life. I have nothing, absolutely nothing.